I want to be a homemaker. There's is nothing I want more than to fulfill my role as a wife and do the cute things I should be doing. But ya know what? I have to work full time so we can have this cute house we do. And we are barely able to keep it, thanks to this crummy economy and I'm just sick of it. Complaining doesn't do anything to help. I KNOW. But that's how I feel.

I want to get up early and make breakfast for my husband. I want to clean the house during the day (NOT on the freaking weekend, when I should be playing) and have dinner waiting on the table when he gets home. I want to have and raise a family here and I want to be the mom they see every day and who teaches (and disciplines) them at home.

Every family is different, but I don't want to be different. I want to be the cookie-cutter wife (with added reading time, because I can't, and won't, give up my books!) who can do everything without a sweat.

But how the frick do I get to that point? Do I work full-time to get my husband through school so he can get a high-enough paying job to support me staying at home to do these things? Do I have him work full-time, supporting me getting my degree and the high-enough paying job to support him getting his degree (the much longer option) until he can support me staying home to do these things?

Cody and I have been married for a glorious almost-four years. We've gone on a few vacations, purchased two homes and four (or more, probably) cars, raised many chickens, and have loved each other. But we look back on these past almost-four years and we wonder, what have we been up to? We feel like we've just been playing house and working. Spending more than we've made and just hanging out.

The point is, I don't care who caused the economic problems we're having, I just want to find a legitimate work-at-home job that will help me fulfill the role I have dreamed about my whole life. I want to be able to support my husband by taking care of the things I don't have time to currently. I'm not happy with the direction my life is going because I don't know where it's going. I don't see the light at the end of this working-for-rest-of-my-life tunnel.

Isn't there a scam-free way to work from home these days?

On Saturday night, an unfortunate accident happened to one of Utah's most prestigious marching bands on their way home from winning a regional competition. Read the news story here. I got teary-eyed when I first heard about it, but it took talking to my Mom later on to let it hit me.

She informed me that hearing the news was especially hard for my Dad because the bus had rolled around the same location as my Grandmother's accident over 11 years ago. Hearing that brought a whole mess of emotions back and I lost it. I don't usually cry in front of my family .. But anything dealing with my late Grandmother is a very sensitive subject for me.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who knew the wonderful teacher who passed away. The kicker for me was that they had won the competition. If they hadn't won, would the accident have been more difficult for those involved? I don't believe that my prayers can make them skip the mourning process, but maybe we can lighten their load a little bit.

Edit: I got to see my little brother at a field-show competition today. In honor of the AF Band, all of the bands there wore red ribbons on their uniforms, as seen below on my little brother's uniform. I'm so glad that the music community showed their support.

So, I was laid-off on Tuesday.. It was great, really *insert sarcastic tone here*

I don't think I've ever cried as hard as I did that night. Cody had a meeting with one of the mayorial candidates here in town, and as soon as he drove away, I lost it. And I've never prayed so hard either. I walked all over my town checking every business to see if they were hiring. I filled out roughly 30 applications, most of which were not even hiring. Tuesday and Wednesday were two of the most stressful days of my life!

Then a little ray of sunshine came today, along with a job offer! I am now doing customer service for Fedex Office for $8/hr. Not my ideal job, but it's a job! I plan on keeping my eyes open for better opportunities, but I'm safe for now. I am also looking into getting a part time job for nights and weekends to make up for the lost income.

Moral of the story .. I'M NOT UNEMPLOYED ANYMORE!! YAY ME!

I just became a sell-out and posted this Maxxforce TV widget for 500 credits. You can earn free credits too!

Today is my Dad's 53rd birthday. As the day went by, I found that I kept thinking about him. Not surprising considering the influence he's been on my life recently.

He's always played a big part in my life and the choices I've made. I don't know who I would be today if it weren't for his guidance (whether asked for or not) and kind hand while growing up. Aside from the standard fatherly role, he has also played a big part in my interests. To illustrate, here is a list of things that remind me of my Dad:

The Beatles
Styx
The Phantom of the Opera
the clarinet
labrador dogs
brittany spaniel dogs
Boston (the band)
boy scouts
C.S. Lewis
Pepsi
Nu Skin
Chicago (the band)
Louisana
Hershey's Kissables
Ducks Unlimited
General Conference
Mt. Timpanogous
Tears for Fears
High School wrestling
marching band
archery hunts
Lance Armstrong

I could go on.. My father has always played a big part in my life. As long as I can remember, aside from the occassional business trip, he has always been home for dinner and at church on Sunday. Even though it might have been outside his regular comfort zones, he has always magnified his callings in church and his role as father at home.

My father isn't perfect. Neither of my parents are. But it is my experience that he has always done his best to head in that direction. He had the best testimony to lean on growing up, but he also helped in my quest for my own testimony in the gospel. He encouraged me to study the scriptures and pray daily to my Heavenly Father. He encouraged me to not only attend but to actively participate in my seminary and institute classes.

When I wanted to play the flute in elementary school, he presented me with the clarinet he'd played growing up. Though I wasn't excited to play an instrument I hadn't seen much of, I began to develop my musical talent and continued to do so until after high school. I played in my schools marching band for one year, then decided to switch over to the choirs. Even though I had given up on a good thing for me, my father supported me completely in my pursuit of a coveted spot in my schools a capella choir. Nearly a years' worth of voice lessons from my choir teacher, at $20 a pop, and I was granted my senior year to finally be in that choir. I couldn't have been happier, and my father continued to support me by attending concerts and paying for the choir tour to California.

My parents funded my time spent in college at Southern Utah University. Even though my grades were less than ideal, my father's faith in me unwavering, they continued to encourage me to do better and finish my degree.

When I left school early to marry just two months shy of my 20th birthday, my father bit his tongue and gave me away to my young husband. To a young man who might not be able to take care of his little girl. To a proud car lover who had not served a mission for the Lord. My father has continued to support me in the many ups and downs that accompany marriage, complete with the many moves, job changes, home purchases, kitchen renovations, and cars that have blessed my three and a half years as Cody's wife.

Though it's been hard for me to completely understand, my father has helped me learn things for myself and to make mistakes. As I'm sure my father in Heaven has been saddened to be witness to the many mistakes I've made, I know that my father here on earth has endured many moments being concerned for his daughters welfare. And thanks to my freewill, he will undoubtedly spend many many more.

When I came to him for a father's blessing after seeing 12 of my coworkers being laid-off, my father didn't just give me a blessing to say that everything would be ok and that I would find a job immediately. He blessed me with patience and with comfort to help me last until I could find another job. He encouraged me to use this experience to my advantage and to use it to grow as a person. He didn't offer me a job at his company to get me out of the pain I've endured. As hard as the last few months have been for me, I know that I am closer to God, my family, and my husband thanks to not being able to take the easy way out.

As I drove home from work today, listening to The Music of the Night, I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I love my Dad more than I ever thought possible and the emotional roller-coaster that is my life as of late is one of the many reasons I have come to realize this. I can't bear the thought of living without him, yet, as every birthday comes and goes, I know that time is getting closer. I suppose I will have to deal with that when the time comes, but for the now the best I can do is be sure to express my appreciation for the father who has been and will always be by my side, gently prodding me down the right path.


Happy Birthday, Daddy. I will always love you more than you will ever know. I will always be your little girl.